Tuesday, April 17, 2007

an epiphany from the whirlwind princess

twentysomething and learning
(an epiphany of mine about life's lessons, some three or four years ago i'd like to share with you)

The things that you learn when you are down never fail to lift you up.

Writing. Oh, the bittersweet pains and pleasures of it always soothe me. In a human existence where thoughts come trailing in your head at thousands of words per minute, writing is one of the most instinctive human invention ever unfolded to mankind. When you write, you get a glimpse of yourself and your romance with the written word, which you can use, abuse, misuse, romanticize, glorify all in the same breath. And when put together, your thoughts not only become real and remembered, but what was once ephemeral in your head is now saved for posterity between pen and paper.

We have so many aspects of ourselves more than we’ll ever know and we’ll be lucky if we can ever be acquainted to half of them. Knowing each one can bring all sort of emotions stirred in your innermost being- ones of desperation, anxiety, happiness, excitement, frustration, guilt- the ups and downs. But a big part of the experience is acceptance. Accepting that you are not as good as you thought you are, or rather you are not as bad either.. or doing your best even when at some point you did nothing.. or sadly, when doing everything possible meant actually nothing. It also brings about moral issues of values and principles- things you have to be aware of when you segregate between the bad you, the good you, the not-so-bad you, the not- so- good- you, or the I-don’t-know-you’s. So many facets of being, a fact that truly affirms that all individuals in this word are unique mortals wandering in this norm filled, stereotype structured world.

Awareness and acceptance of our conceived realities is somewhat just a part of the Journey of being with me, myself and I. We all have our own worlds we either built for ourselves or let others build for us. Discovering and realizing in which we came from drives you to freedom and understanding of the basic you, if there is one. Loving oneself comes from that resolution that you are aspects of different beings, or places, or events that eventually made us into what we are as of the moment. Once you get past that realization, you learn not to hate yourself just because one aspect or some aspects of yourself did a really hateful, quite unforgivable things, for doing so would be unfair to the other ninety percent of yourself who was actually able to show love, courage and grace when it was asked for.

Loving and losing is quite a painful drama if you don’t separate yourself from the experience. The only better way to go through it is to see it from a bigger, more concise picture, for in that vantage point you not only see and feel what is happening to you but you also see and feel what has happened before and what might happen in the future.

But analysis, or the excess of it is a torture of the mind. Thinking too much of the what-could-have’s, what if’s what not’s is a thing to dread of polluting your thoughts. What has been done is done. You just have to trust yourself that you did what was best to be done at that particular moment or else we would always go on a constant revising that would destroy the spontaneity of life.

Being aware that you are a victim is different from being a victim. The moment you realize it and do nothing about it is when you become a loser. Being responsible for our acts, our thoughts and a portion of the circumstances and situations we get into is what keeps us aware that when bad things happen in our life, it is not because the universe conspired to punish us, but instead, it is trying to tell us something. It is when you miss the point that you somehow become a fool.

Sometimes we all need to be fools and victims because that is the best way to learn life’s lessons. Life’s lessons are ever enigmatic ideas because you never really know where it comes from but it’s there, and it unfolds to you beautifully like a bloom of serendipity blossoming in your head.

Balance is a virtue that is to be learned and relearned constantly if you want to go somewhere. The question of where that somewhere is, is as elusive as its answer…Where I am right now to where I want to go, but where do I want to go? What do I really want to do? Who do I want to be with? What would complete me and make me happy? Who am I and where am I at this point in my life? Where and how far will I go? And so goes the million dollar questions of existence.

The questions are endless, but as long as you’re asking them time and again in your life then maybe, just maybe you are on the right track. It is not so much as having the map drawn out for you, but having the passion to actually go out to your journey with nothing but a big, almost blank sheet of paper where you’ll write, draw, paint, erase and constantly revise the map of which you will only see the final draft in the end of your lifetime. Choices and circumstances are what dictate our maps to become clear and concise or blurred and disintegrated. Having the desire to know your true self unfold one step at a time while walking, running and pacing in your journey is the key to lead us to the right direction- wherever that is--bon voyage.